The No Excuses for Excuses Testing for Excellence Charter School or NEFETFECS as it is affectionately known will open its first virtual doors tomorrow to 100 million students, ending public education as we know it. The school, a collaboration between philanthrocapitalists, IQ testing proponents, and former Enron employees promises to “relentlessly test students and families until all remaining students pass the tests.”
Because the Broad Superintendent Academy actually is the education illuminati, and secretly runs every district, this will be the first nationally recognized charter school. Phil Ann Capitalist was reached for comment.
“Schools nowadays are too mamby pamby—when I grew up, the Board of Education is what your teacher hit you with, not someone you cried to about civil rights or ‘equity.’” He said, his face scrunched up like he was sucking on a lime.
“Everyone has an excuse, ‘my parent was murdered, I am homeless, nobody could take me to school, I had to stay home and watch my little sister, I’m hungry.’ No Excuses for these kids. We believe that listening to their excuses is babying them, which is what happens in their ‘culture’ and why they are behind, at least that is what my frat brother told me.”
“Well at our school, first, families will have to take a series of tests to see if they can get an application—kind of like those old timey—literacy tests that kept things fair in the old south, then we test the kids, better scores mean you get more chits in the lottery, and lets be real the top scorers just get in the school automatically”
Phil promised to raise expectations for all students.
“We start by testing the parents, lots of enrollment requirements and paperwork, and a big thick handbook of rules, with a waiver of all your rights included, can you sign that? You passed the final enrollment test.”
Phil also described an intense academic culture, “Our school will eliminate the distractions of ‘fun’ and non data-based social interactions. Enmeshing students in a managed panopticon, where each student will get their own computer screen and be tested endlessly on it”
“And if you can’t pass the tests then you fail out—we have a guaranteed plan to reach 100% proficiency at NEFETFECS.”
Phil was then asked whether his own children would enter the lottery. (chuckling) “of course not, my kid goes to Montessori.”